The Lenten Kickoff

I hate that it's been so long since I've even logged on to my blog...hey, that rhymed...anyway...

Today, Ash Wednesday is the start of Lent. Before we go much further into that, let me just make sure we're all on the same 'page' here (my page, yep, we're all here!!)

I'm an inwardly spiritual person. I pray, a lot....more these days, considering there are struggles in my life. Right, wrong or indifferent, it's my blog, I'm being honest. I pray more when I have a fear or an issue. That's not the point of all this, just don't judge it! So, where were we? Ahhh, yes, inwardly spiritual. I spent a lot, I mean a lot of years in church, leading youth groups, helping make an impact in society by making sure kids were being led and such. I worshiped, every week and then I stopped. I didn't stop believing, I stopped attending and sometimes I wonder why. Quite honestly, though, I could stand in my garage, every Sunday for a zillion years and that won't make me a car anymore than sitting in church every week makes me any more of a Christian. So, if you're shocked I'm "kicking off" Lent with a blog post, consider all of that and let me have my say...

Why today? Well, it IS the first day of Lent and while a lot of people make resolutions on New Years, I am choosing today as my resolution day. I need something to focus on. I'm currently unemployed and while I don't stay 'down long' and many of you remind me how I always 'bounce back from adversity' (trust those who know me, while often not job related, I've had my share of crap)...I'm not happy with the state of some things in my life.

So, here I go again, on whatever round this is of "Getting back on track" and I find Lent the greatest way to kick this off for me.

Last night I posted on Facebook that I was giving up carbs for Lent. I need to clarify...I'm going back on my program, the one that works for me when I focus and pay attention to it. Giving up carbs wasn't totally correct, but if you read far enough back in this blog you'll see what it's all about, it's one of the very first posts, and I don't know how to re-post the link here....I tried and tried...HELP! I see people do that all the time and I'm clueless :-( (It's post # 2, December 2008 if you're so inclined)

Giving up carbs was an inaccurate statement. Going back on the program is much more accurate and that does include limited "good for you" carbs...so there's some clarification.

So, off I go...it's time to start this show, once again...and this year, a week earlier than last year! The goal: STAY on plan until vacation or until goal. Whichever comes first and the long-term goal....MAINTAIN it this time, better than last or even better than the last before that! UGH!

Oh, one more goal, I need to find a job. I'm intrigued by some of the possibilities out there, but need to find the faith in myself to take the leap! I'll keep you all posted, because, this is a great release for me, even if nobody reads it but Todd and my mom! <3

And...we're...off...

A Failed Perfectionist....

On what was a long drive this week, I spent some time listening to my first audiobook. The book I chose was Katie Couric's 'The Best Advice I Ever Got' and there were several parts of that book that resonated with me. Here is the link if anyone is interested in learning more about the book: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/24/arts/television/24couric.html

To me, it spoke of goals, ambitions, successes & failures, joy and sadness and so many other things.

So what does that book have to do with the title of this blog, or the subject matter of this blog, you might ask? Well, one of the contributors described herself as a failed perfectionist in her segment of the book and that is one of the things that truly hit home with me when I heard it. Today, once again, I am just that.

I am a failed perfectionist. As much as I want everything in my life to be perfect and my 'control factor' allow me to have it that way, it just isn't. I'm not sure there is anything, yes, ANYTHING that is perfect in my life. The one big thing that isn't perfect is my success along this journey through this blog. Once again, I find myself (sooner rather than later) writing to you all (if anyone is even still reading this) and admitting that I need to restart my lifestyle program.

I am not perfect, even when I am at goal I am not perfect. My "full" button is broke! That button most people have that says to them, hey, quit eating, you're full....ya know, the button....mine is either missing or broke! I'm flat out broken! I realize this as days go by and I seem to find that I always have room for food, good food, bad food, anything...I always have room, cuz my ding-dang button is broke and I hate that. I give in to the broken button and I really hate that! I wish I knew what to do to fix my button! I don't want to live the rest of my days with a broken button!

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being a failed perfectionist at some things, I mean nobody is perfect! My house will never be clean enough, my job perfect enough, my relationships without drama, but if that were the case, it would make my Facebook page quite boring! I do, however, wish I had better control over the choices I make where my health and weight come in to play. I have done it before but I have relied on the medication and that temporarily fixes my button, but I would like to find a way to control all of that post-meds.

So, I'm human, not perfect and struggling really badly right now. I'm very unhappy with me these days which makes me feel like I make everyone around me unhappy and that certainly isn't fair to the people I love. It is a struggle for me and especially during the holiday season. I try to cover over my funk, but I'm not sure how good I'm doing at that either!

So today has so far been a better day, I've stayed on plan, without meds no taking things almost hour by hour....there are people out there who never have to worry about this topic and man, I wish I was one of them! Alas, I'm not and I know it's a day by day struggle.

I hope all of you still involved in your journey are more successful than I have been in the last few months! I sure hope to be writing to you next time under a little more control!

Merry Christmas!